Chapter Twenty-Six: Dealing with the pain
As all of you know, I was in a car accident 3 years ago. 3 years ago I was just waking up in the hospital not very sure what was going on. I got out of the hospital two weeks later and immediately started trying to go back to everyday life instead of dealing with the trauma. I worked and worked and self medicated but I sought out no help. For the past 3 years I have basically thought I was fine. I knew that I suffered from PTSD but only because of anxiety. I did not think there was really much else wrong. Until this Memorial Day, when 8 incredible people were taken from us due to a natural disaster. EIGHT. 3 children under the age of 7. The people that are left on this earth closest to those lost are amazing. Inspirational. They are so strong. They have unwavering faith. During the service at the church I grew up in, the priest said that Cristen was given the gift of faith and I do believe that is true. Cristen is the daughter of Ralph and Sue Carey and the sister of Michelle Carey Charba, the aunt of Will Charba and the sister-in-law of Randy Charka-All who were lost in the Wimberley Flood. Will has not been found. Cristen possesses such true grace and sincere love-it is something I greatly admire about her. And it is her gift of faith that is carrying her through.
Everyone handles tragedy in different ways. I never knew that although I talk about my tragedy I don't honestly think I ever deal with it. This tragedy has brought so much of my own heartache and sadness to the forefront that I now HAVE to deal with it-for my sanity and for my family. So many other things have happened, way before the car accident. I have been married and divorced. I have had my heart broken. I have had a miscarriage and an abortion. I have used terrible judgement in my choices at times. I have disappointed people who have loved me or still (Thank God) love me.
There are other things that I have been through that I just don't have the strength to talk about yet and I hope that everyone who is dealing with the loss of Ralph, Sue, Michelle, Randy, Will, Laura, Andrew and Leighton can let go, breathe, scream, cry, accept the pain of losing them, talk to someone about it. Don't keep it locked up inside. I am doing so much soul searching right now. I cry out of nowhere. I know that it is time for me to deal with my pain from my own personal loss. I am blessed that my parents are alive and that my friends are healthy. I am blessed that I have Brad who supports me no matter what and that I love completely. And I am blessed to have my children.
Understand I am not writing this to seek out pity or sadness. I write this to tell all of you that even those of us that appear to have it all together, or are working toward some of our biggest dreams and aspirations, we still suffer. We are no different that you. Anyone can make mistakes or make a wrong turn in life, but you can always find a better way. ALWAYS. And you can survive it all, you just have to believe in yourself. I know that sometimes that is the hardest thing of all to do, but trust me-when you believe in yourself, everything is better.
I will write stories more frequently about how I plan to deal with my pain and my PTSD. Hopefully it will help some of you who are seeking a bit of peace of mind.
All my love.